Friday, April 21, 2017
For those familiar with Magical Realism, the title of this post would ring a bell since it echoes LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA by Garcia Marquez, and I’m gonna spoil the end for you, it does have a happily ever after, even if the road there was beyond rocky (it was frankly torturous).
Now, a friend of mine used that expression when we were commenting about the recent breakup of two porn stars. It’s truly sad that every time two (or more) people involved in porn start a public relationship a not malicious but severely real countdown begins.
I like porn, but it is also part of my research as an erotic romance writer, and, in all my years following and enjoying that craft, I have not seen a porn couple or throuple last more than two straight years.
“Straight” as in continuous not heterosexual.
I know gay men are complicated, heck humans are complicated, yet sadly, we seem to be more incapable of commitment that other people. Nevertheless, my extensive research into the human nature and love conditions has shown me that usually, jealousy is a big component of breakups. And in all fairness and realness, jealousy is the grotesque child of insecurity.
Call it whatever you want, but you cannot be jealous unless you are insecure. When you are sure of who you are and who the person beside you is, there is no reason for jealousy. And jealousy is also a cousin of control issues, even if you want to try to make it feel more like a distant long lost relative— they are very effing close.
A very smart lady told me once, long before same-sex marriage was even on the map anywhere in the globe, that gay men made a life together because they wanted it since there were no papers or children to tie them up. Her words were not just wise but inspiring. And that is one of the reasons I believe jealousy is insecurity because nothing ties another man to me more than his own decision to be beside me; it doesn’t matter if that decision is based on love or something else. Heck, love has levels, and you never love the same way (or with the same intensity) twice; simply because not two human beings are the same, ergo you cannot repeat love.
But coming back to porn couples which are the real topic of this post, here insecurity and jealousy have hate sex to create a messed up hybrid that always becomes a murderer. In many cases, Dude One is already doing porn when he meets Dude Two and they “fall in love” with the almost immediate consequence of Dude Two starting to do porn too. Nothing wrong with that, if Dude Two has the balls and confidence to play that field because it is not easy in the same way an open relationship is not for everyone; it takes a very healthy dose of cojones and confidence (totally making this a title for a book Cojones & Confidence) to be in an open relationship, so it’s even heavier to be with a person who not only fucks other people but do so for the entertainment of millions of strangers.
To say that jealousy is natural is to deny humans’ ability to be reasonable. Do you think the husband of any actress cheers when his wife kisses another man on screen? I don’t think he cheers, but I am pretty sure he does not feel jealousy (or shouldn’t at least) because it is her job, especially if she had it before they met.
Obviously doing porn is the far, very nasty extreme of that situation, but it completely applies. You shouldn’t be jealous of a situation that existed before you arrived, and if you accepted it at the beginning why change your mind mid journey and make a fucking mess?
True, many people enter a relationship with the (sometimes not conscious) plan to change the other person. This in itself is, if you want to use business terms, “cause for immediate dismissal.” The whole concept of entering a relationship with an agenda, beyond that of make yourself and the other person happy, should instantly handicap your eligibility for a relationship. It’s not fair for the other person or yourself because when you cannot accomplish that “transformative” goal you become a bitter, nagging, horrible piece of whining crap. No one needs that kind of shite in their lives.
But again, in the world of porn, this situation is even more evident and sad. Porn is a micro cosmos in the same way Hollywood stardom is, and many people get invested in these relationships because they give us something that is fantasy and (in many cases) hope. Many fans would see it as a beacon of possibilities: if these men who earn their living fucking on camera can make it, how I (who do it in the confines of my bedroom) cannot?
We see ourselves in the successful relationships of these handsome men, and when they don’t work it affects us both consciously and unconsciously because every time your idols fail a part of you also fails.
Not all humans have the strength to sort fantasy from reality; you just need to see the rants and hate on Social Media when public figures breakup or do something people at large consider untoward. We don’t know these public figures; heck probably you have never been in the same breathing space of these people, but you defend or hate them passionately because they are a reflection of what you hope to be. That is not a bad thing, but it becomes a stupid thing when you turn your whole life upside-down for something that (in the end) doesn’t have anything to do with you or your reality.
But that passion turns back to jealousy, insecurity, and control issues. We adore these people, but we are also jealous of them, and they make us feel insecure, and we hope we could control them. Not a healthy mix if you ask me.
It is not even know how to compartmentalize; it is to accept that we should not be invested in something we cannot change or control. We cannot change other people, whether celebrities or love ones. We cannot (and should not) control others— unnatural is one of the many words to describe that unfortunate scenario.
When you truly love, you accept. You also need to know how much you can accept for your own sake because the idea is not to become a yes man and take whatever crap the other person wants to give you; a relationship is something that goes both (and sometimes three) ways.
Before you can accept and respect another human being, you must be able to accept and respect yourself. When you become capable of that, you won’t be insecure, jealous, or controlling.
Let’s hope all porn stars get their happily ever after because they are human beings just like you and me.
#love #porn #socialmedia #hate #reality #fantasy #control #jealousy #humans
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Apparently, since The Alpha’s Gifts, the Triads have been having conversations (I honestly don’t want to use the word debates here) amongst them and decided to change the schedule of the upcoming books. So far, I don’t know the final lineup, only that CLOCKWORK VENDETTA is the one to open the year… and they have me seriously working on it… *wink wink*
#fiction #ebook #gay #threesome #yearofthetriads #steampunk #mmromance #menofgabbo #iamwriting #gabbodelaparra